George Bush - Suuuuper Genius

You may have read about it in the papers without realizing the full significance of it. Back in 2003, under the cover of darkness, the United States military undertook a daring operation. Employing all the covert resources at its disposal the men and women of the armed forces carried out the President's orders to overthrow the Iraqi regime of Sadaam Hussein. This seemed like a straightforward and reasonable action. To the uninitiated.

As the years have passed, the plan, cleverly named Operation Iraqi Freedom, has been carried out more or less as foreseen by the architects in the Pentagon and State Department. Each day brings news of another successful bombing or attack. Unseen and unnoticed the Iraqi military is being trained to use small arms and 70 or so vintage Warsaw Pact tanks. Meanwhile the Iraqi Air Force is gaining experience in the operation of several dozen helicopters and propeller driven observation planes. With patience and knowing silence, U.S. planners watch their scheme come to fruition.

"But wait a minute," you interject, "Did you just say the Iraqi military has only 70 tanks and a few Hueys and Cessnas?" You must be unusually paranoid to notice that. A Senior Administration Official can easily pass you off as some sort of fringe crank. You are no real danger to the plan. Even if you accuse the administration of indefinitely starving Iraq of the ability to defend itself "until its army is fully trained," only the New York Times would print your allegations.

You are too simple to understand the true brilliance of President Bush and his advisors. You see, the chaos in Iraq is not the result of poor planning or incompetence. On the contrary, a failed state in the heart of the world's most important petroleum producing area is exactly what is intended. The greater the disorder and civil unrest that befalls Iraq, the better. Of course, timing is crucial to this operation and Ambassador Khalilzad has had to bring all his talents to bear in order to orchestrate events. At the risk of compromising national security I will reveal final phase of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

In early 2007, with his Presidency rapidly coming to an end, President Bush will announce that the U.S. mission in Iraq has been accomplished and our troops will withdraw from the region. The situation on the ground will be such that public opinion will be overwhelmingly supportive. Shortly after the last U.S. Marines have evacuated the Green Zone, Iran will announce that the violence being perpetrated on its fellow Shiites in Iraq has left it no choice but to send Revolutionary Guards into Baghdad in order to stabilize the situation. At this point George W Bush's place in history will be assured. The quagmire so carefully crafted by Secretary Rumsfeld and Vice President Cheney will entrap the Iranians for the foreseeable future. Their ability to influence the Middle East will be greatly curtailed and, in need of foreign currency to support their military, they will be forced to sell the U.S. and Israel all the oil we can consume.

Or... we plan to prevent Iraq from ever having a viable national defense in a volatile part of the world, requiring a string of permanent U.S. bases from which America can control the shipment of oil to the rest of the world. But that would be crazy.

(Originally posted on myspace)

Take my droid... please!

I was staring at the coffee machine in our office. The fancy LCD display on the front was flashing Empty Bin. This little beauty has a bin where all the individual-serving, hermetically-sealed coffee packets go to die. The now soulless vessals must be tossed in the trash periodically and I am perfectly happy to do my part. Hey, the joe's free! On this occasion, however, the first thing that pops into my wee twisted brain is, "Oh My God! The bin is empty!"

The English language being the gloriously ambiguous enterprise that it is, I can indulge my sense of humor like this many times a day. It's a queer little life, but at least it's mine. But what if this is the secret? What if our quest to build machines that can use language will never succeed until we realize that we must include a sense-of-humor in our creations? And how about some irony, too? Sarcasm, maybe? In order to converse, an artificial mind will have to be aware of the motives and intentions of others. Perhaps paranoia and low self-esteem are just what is needed. Then good ol' Hal 2006 would have to figure out what we were all thinking - we might be conspiring against it! Is this so far fetched? We already know that our nearest relatives in the primate world display most of the same vices as we human beings.

Do you think I could get a grant to study a first rate paranoid mind like, say, Woody Allen?

(Originally posted on myspace)